The cost of fitting in

​Why we sacrifice ourselves to fit in

We all want to belong. It’s hardwired into us - this primal desire to be accepted, to be seen, to be part of something. From ancient tribes to modern friendship groups, being cast out once meant danger. And even now, when the stakes are no longer life or death, our nervous systems don’t know the difference.

But here’s the thing: in our desperate pursuit of being “seen,” many of us end up invisible to the person who matters most - ourselves.

Take the school mum who bends over backwards to be accepted by that group - you know the one. The clique who always look perfectly put together at school pickup. She bakes extra cupcakes, volunteers for every PTA event, offers lifts, plans playdates. She’s endlessly accommodating, reshaping herself to fit in. And yet, behind her back, they’re gossiping. About her. About her child.  

She doesn’t know this - at least, not consciously. But part of her senses it. Still, the need to belong overrides the quiet alarm bells. She’s convinced that if she just tries a little harder, they’ll eventually let her in fully. But what she doesn’t see is that she’s already sacrificed something precious: her own boundaries, her energy, and worst of all, her truth.

Quite often we look to the very people that hurt us to stop hurting us, or the people who don't have the desire to connect with us, to connect with us. We look to them for validation of self worth.

In the workplace, external validation can show up as always saying yes to extra tasks, staying late to prove your worth, or agreeing with ideas you don’t believe in just to be seen as a team player. 

So many of us do this. We wear masks, agree when we want to disagree, laugh at jokes that don’t feel right in our gut. Why? Because rejection feels unbearable. Because somewhere inside, we learned that being ourselves wasn’t enough to be loved.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: if we have to shrink ourselves to belong, it’s not true belonging - its performance. And the price is high.

Over time, this need to fit in or be liked can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-identity and self-worth - because you're constantly prioritising others’ approval over your own boundaries and values. It makes you very co-dependant.

Real belonging begins when we belong to ourselves first. When we say, “This is who I am, and I will not trade my wholeness for someone else’s approval.” It’s not easy. It’s not quick. But it’s where the healing begins. Because safety is inside of us. It's not outside of us with others, we hold the power internally to belong to ourselves. We can create a place of safety inside of ourselves without involving others. 

So how do we stop chasing and start truly belonging?

It begins with small, intentional shifts:

• Notice your patterns. When do you say “yes” out of fear, not desire? When do you do things for others in the hope of being included or perceived in a good light? What’s your ulterior motive - is it love, or is it longing for approval? Awareness is the first step to change.
• Practice saying no. Start with small things. Declining something that drains you is a powerful act of self-respect.
• Check in with your body. Do you feel tight, uneasy, or depleted around certain people? Your nervous system is often more honest than your thoughts.
• Spend time alone. The more time you spend with yourself, the less you’ll look for validation outside. Stillness helps you hear your own truth.
• Affirm your worth. This might feel cheesy at first, but speak kindly to yourself. “I am enough as I am. I do not need to earn love.”
• Seek soul-aligned connections. Look for people who make you feel safe, seen, and accepted without performance. Even one genuine connection is worth more than ten superficial ones.

​Know your worth. Stop chasing seats at tables where your soul isn’t welcome.

Don’t water yourself down to fit someone else’s cup. The people who are meant for you will recognise your fullness - and never ask you to shrink.