Building Stronger Relationships: How to Identify and Overcome Inauthenticity

Understanding the Warning Signs of Inauthenticity in a Relationship

It’s comes up time & time again and this week in the Love Reiki Healing Hut has been no exception  - relationships, of all sorts, be it friendships, family members, work colleagues, that feel untruthful, unfair, one sided, coercive, manipulative, uncaring
 
Whatever happened to the old adage  - ‘don’t to others what you wouldn’t like done to you’?

This week’s blog post discusses the feeling of unauthentic relationships, and raises the question.. should this behaviour be called out?
 
Relationships are a Basic Human Need
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Relationships play a critical role in our lives as human beings. They provide us with a sense of belonging, security, and support, as well as opportunities for growth, learning, and personal development.  If you take a look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs you can see how relationships are important on so many levels.

Aside from procreation, one of the primary reasons relationships are so important to human beings is because they fulfil our fundamental need for connection and intimacy. From an evolutionary perspective, humans have evolved to live and thrive in social groups, and our relationships with others have helped us to survive and thrive over the centuries.

In addition to fulfilling our basic needs, relationships also provide us with a sense of identity. Through our interactions with others, we develop a sense of who we are and what we stand for. Our relationships help to shape our beliefs, values, and behaviours, and they provide us with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Relationships can also serve as a source of support and stability in our lives, providing us with emotional and practical assistance in times of need, and they can help us to cope with life's challenges and difficulties. Whether it's a close friend, a romantic partner, or a family member, having supportive relationships can make a significant difference in our overall wellbeing.
 
What About When Relationships Feel Inauthentic?
 
Relationships can feel inauthentic for a variety of reasons, for example:

• Lack of honesty and transparency: When people are not truthful with each other, it can create a sense of disconnection and inauthenticity. If you're holding back your true feelings or intentions, it can be difficult to form a deep and meaningful relationship. 
• Pressure to conform: Relationships can sometimes feel inauthentic when one person feels pressure to conform to the expectations or beliefs of the other person. This can lead to feelings of alienation and disconnection.
• Power imbalances: Relationships can feel inauthentic when there is a significant power imbalance, such as when one person is overly controlling or dominating. This can create a sense of tension and unease that can undermine the authenticity of the relationship.
• Inadequate communication: Poor communication is a common reason why relationships can feel inauthentic. When people are not effectively communicating their thoughts, feelings, and intentions, it can create a sense of disconnection and distance.
• Lack of trust: Relationships that are based on mistrust can also feel inauthentic. If you don't trust the other person or feel that they are not trustworthy, it can be difficult to build a relationship that feels authentic and genuine.  

How Might These Things Make You Feel?

When relationships feel inauthentic, it can bring a range of negative emotions and experiences. Some common feelings include:

• Disconnection: When a relationship feels inauthentic, it can lead to feelings of disconnection and alienation. You may feel like you're not truly connecting with the other person, and that there's a sense of distance between you.
• Tension: Relationships that feel inauthentic can also be characterised by tension and discomfort. You may feel like you're walking on eggshells or that there's an underlying sense of unease that you can't quite shake.
• Stress: When relationships feel inauthentic, they can also create a significant amount of stress and anxiety. You may feel like you're constantly trying to hide your true thoughts and feelings, or like you're walking on a tightrope trying to avoid conflict.
• Confusion: Inauthentic relationships can also bring feelings of confusion and uncertainty. You may feel like you don't understand the other person, or that you're not sure what they're thinking or feeling.
• Frustration: When you feel like you're not able to be yourself or connect with the other person in a meaningful way, it can be a source of frustration and disappointment.
• Rejection: When you feel like you are being ignored, or your feelings dismissed you may feel a sense of rejection, like you aren’t good enough, aren’t important, or that you don’t matter.
• Humiliation: It can feel humiliating and embarrassing to feel like someone has power or control over you, or that you don’t mean as much to them as they do to you. Shame: you may feel weak, embarrassed, unable to raise your feelings.
• Pain:  A breakdown in a relationship can really bring about pain and a feeling of being wounded and hurt.
• Anger: You may feel like you've been wronged or that someone has treated you unfairly, that you don’t deserve to be treated in a particular way.
• Sadness: Many people feel genuine sadness when a relationship doesn't feel right anymore.
• Loneliness: All of these feelings can ultimately bring about an overall feeling of loneliness. Repeated experiences of one-sided relationships can take a toll on your self-esteem, confidence, and physical wellbeing. You may start to believe that you're not good enough, that there is something wrong with you or that others are superior to you.

 
So Should You Raise It With The Other Side?

Whether or not to "call out" inauthentic behaviour is a personal decision that can depend on a variety of factors, such as the nature of the relationship, the situation, and the individual's own comfort level. Here are some things to consider:

• Purpose: It's important to consider why you want to "call out" the behaviour. Are you hoping to resolve an issue, to protect yourself, or to improve the relationship? Having a clear understanding of your goals can help guide your decision-making.
• Timing: The timing of your "call out" can also be important. If the situation is particularly tense or emotionally charged, it may be better to wait until you're both calm to have a conversation.
• Delivery: How you "call out" the behaviour is also important. Choose your words carefully, and try to approach the situation in a non-confrontational manner. It's important to express your feelings in a way that is respectful and non-judgmental.
• Nature of relationship: Consider the nature of the relationship. Is this a close friend, a family member, or someone you work with? How important is the relationship to you? This can help guide your decision-making about whether or not to "call out" the behaviour.
• Consequences: Consider the potential consequences of "calling out" the behaviour. Will it damage the relationship, or is it likely to improve things? If you can raise it gently and with respect, then any genuine ‘friend’ should be able to listen in an attempt to understand your feelings.  If they don’t, whilst it can be upsetting, you then have your confirmation that the relationship truly was inauthentic, one-sided, and not in your best interests. I would also add, that if you feel like you can’t raise it, that’s also a sign of the relationship not being authentic.
  
  

It takes a brave person courage to share their feelings knowing that it may not go down well. If you find that you are then blamed, ignored, excluded, even gossiped about, then the situation is moving into gaslighting territory which is not conducive to a positive relationship and definitely a sign that all is not as it should be.  You may have screenshots of conversations and things that have been said and shared, yet the other person ignores, refutes, passes blame, who really wants to be friends with someone who behaves like that?
 
What Positive Are There?

If raising your feelings leads to a positive outcome thats great, and you can feel more confident that the relationship is two-way and strong!

However if it results in your having to step step away from an inauthentic relationship then this can be a difficult and challenging experience, but it can also bring about many positive feelings and benefits.  

• Relief: Ending an inauthentic relationship can bring a sense of relief, as you're no longer dealing with the stress and negativity of the relationship.
• Emotional healing: Stepping away from an inauthentic relationship can provide an opportunity for emotional healing, as you can start to process the hurt and disappointment that you've experienced.
• Improved self-esteem: Leaving an inauthentic relationship can help to improve your self-esteem, as you start to see yourself as deserving of love and respect. Increased authenticity: By ending an inauthentic relationship, you have an opportunity to be more authentic in your relationships and interactions with others.
• Clarity and self-awareness: Stepping away from an inauthentic relationship can help you gain clarity and self-awareness, as you start to reflect on your own needs and values.
• Opportunity for growth: Ending an inauthentic relationship can also provide an opportunity for personal growth, as you learn new skills, develop new relationships, and discover new interests.
• New beginnings: Stepping away from an inauthentic relationship opens up new possibilities and opportunities for the future, and gives you the chance to create a more fulfilling and authentic life for yourself.  

What Does A Genuine Relationship Look Like?

So now we've established the nature of inauthentic relationships and how to navigate these, let us take a look at the positives. Genuine relationships, authentic relationships, true relationships, good relationships.. are all achievable, and can be nurtured and cherished when you make space for them, what do these look like?

• Understanding of where you are emotionally: there are times when you have the emotional bandwidth to cope with extra things, and at other times you may be maxed out and can't cope with anything else, an authentic relationship will understand this and accept this, with no judgement or resentment.
• Supportive: a genuine connection will support you with compassion, trying to hep you find a way through difficult times and challenges, rather than just giving you advice.
• Check in on you: they will attempt to find the right balance of communication with you, checking in with you but also giving you space.
• Respect you: respecting you and your choices, once again without judgement, is essential.
• They don't take sides: remaining neutral in times when perhaps there are conflicts between groups, an authentic person will not take sides, or side with the most powerful ones, but remain neutral and fair.
• Interested in you: thats right, you as a person, not for what you can do for them, but just because you are you. An authentic relationship is not transactional!
• Have your best wishes at heart: and not just theirs.
• Acts in confidence: respects your wishes of privacy, doesn't gossip about you or with you!
• Each party works on themselves: each party in the relationship invests in their own self awareness and development, aiming to be their own best friend first and foremost,
  
  

You Have The Power

By taking control, doing what’s right for you, even if the outcome isn't as you hoped for, you will realise that you have choices, that you have your own power, and that you are in fact behaving as your own best friend. It is at these times, when you are being authentic with yourself that you will find authentic relationships too.

I am a firm believer that closing one door leaves space for new things. So if a relationship isn't genuine why are you spending time trying to force it?  When we make space new things always appear, Personally, I have experienced this may times myself, and clients regularly share examples of how new things have come to them when they let go of a tight hold on relationships that no longer make them happy.

The most important thing is to be authentic with yourself! With the right help, support and mindset, you can heal, grow, and build a more fulfilling and authentic life for yourself that brings genuine relationships and happiness.

Life is so much simpler when you do whats right for you
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